It could be the mood talking

And it probably is.

I am more up than down. But I am down right now, and I am looking for things to blame it on. Not getting a break, usually. Taking on too much, often. I want to tell people, so that they can get used to the idea that this is a part of me. I am anti-social and withdrawn today, but it's OK, it's not permanent, and in a few days, or weeks, I will have my enthusiasm and energy back.

The worst part is being required to show up and smile despite it.

I go through this - notice how I am not naming it - most years in January and February. Living in England for most of my life, I pinned it on the dark, dreariness of those early months, but that low, grey cloud followed me to summer in Aotearoa. Surprising. Is it a deeply etched groove, or am I just depleted at the beginning of the year, regardless of my melatonin level? If I was into astrology I would probably attribute it to some cosmic realignments.

Does it hit harder now that I have reached midlife? Or are there just more people to hide it from? Like my growing children, who I don't want to confuse.

This isn't much of an art blog, is it? Hang in there, it might become one.

I am feeling shitty, but I wanted to write something here. Then I deliberated. Should I?

I've had a few blogs over the years. My first was MySpace. I reported on walks with my friends through the local forests and hills. I photographed amusingly parked cars on the steep hills of the city, and shared them with a commentary. I can't remember what else. Mirthful, but I was a real adult, out in the world. Exciting stuff.

Something changed when I got my first post-graduate job. All the writing I did was PR for the charity; case studies, media releases, pamphlets and web copy. Frankly, I was petrified of saying the wrong thing. By my third job, Twitter had arrived and you couldn't edit your Tweets after you posted them (!!!!!). I would agonise for much hours over each Tweet! The result was mechanical and corporate. Harmless, all key-messages covered, but unengaging (my boss was much better at it, thankfully, so our account did OK). What was I so afraid of? Was social media less personal then, or was I trying desperately not to reveal too much of me? Would I naturally say the wrong thing if I didn't check myself?

This brings me back to this publication, and (we got there) art-making. This kind of heart-on-sleeve writing (and it's not going that deep, yet), where does it fit alongside announcements about exhibitions and projects, and those Day-In-The-Life-Of-The-Artist posts? If I use this publication to invite people to shows, or share katiehallam.com on my CV when I'm applying for opportunities, and I've revealed personal turmoil, am I putting myself at risk professionally?

I don't know, do you?

I'm just want to be real.

There's a degree of conditioning in me, from working in PR for as long as I have. But I don't think I can put it down to that alone. Most days, in some way or another, I feel myself holding back and not revealing too much. I do not want to appear socially awkward, or flippant, or - since coming to live in a different culture - to be misunderstood with words or remarks that people here don't understand.

Towing the Party line. Protect the Party. But the Party is me.

This is why I get choked up about talking about my artwork in real time. Ah, you want to know what this is about? Well, prepare to go dark and irreverent. Oh, not ready for that? Here's the Lite version.

Let's switch the lens.

An artist I know about thanks to social media @holland_otik describes their multifaceted skillset of cooking, making, writing, researching as a Personal Practice. Looking at it that way, when you see my art, either here or in person, you get the whole shebang. You get Katie the human too. You see where the art comes from and how it's carved out of small pockets of time and space and a small budget to match. Most of the time I am Off Duty, and there's another post coming about that soon.

The art is not a full time gig but I am full time being.